i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
