he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I need to calm my uterus...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
