i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
