if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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