It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
