It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
