Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
