I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
