your thong is hanging out like whoa
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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