listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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