Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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