haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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