Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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