Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
