OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
