Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
