I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm just crazy horny about you
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
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