I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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