this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
It's rum buckets o'clock
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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