Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
