hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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