I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
