You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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