she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
