i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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