I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize