In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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