The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Randomize
