Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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