Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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