What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
