I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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