i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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