I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
