you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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