dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
