At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
