I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
