I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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