im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
