So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
