Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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