The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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