What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
