Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
