We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
