yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize
