She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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