apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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