If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
