He asked me if I "almost moaned"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Randomize
