What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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