how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
