i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I puked a lego.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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