Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
