one word: firstdatebathroomanal
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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