it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
it's like heaven, but drunker
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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