Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
